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Tommy and I handled our losses differently. What was important was that we both recognized that the other person healed in a unique way. When I felt like no one else could possibly know how I was feeling, I had to remind myself that even though he didn’t carry them, Tommy had lost a child too. And even though he “carried on” seemingly easier than I did, he was just being strong for me. How would we go on if we both fell apart? And how hard must that have been for him to watch me in such pain and not be able to fix it?
We have three children here and three in heaven. I remember the grief of each one as if it were yesterday, but I am thankful for the journey. We are stronger parents for it. And I am thankful for this project because it is the first time I have had the courage to talk to my children about their other siblings they will meet some day.
I’m not really sure I have a “story” to tell except the one of hope and trusting Gods plan. I had 2 miscarriages before my first child, Haylee. Both were lost around the 8 week mark after a heartbeat had been detected. During that time my doctor found I had a blood disorder call Factor 5 Leiden. This disorder may have been the cause of the first two losses, but they are not for sure. Testing on the tissue was inconclusive as to why the two pregnancies were lost.
Then I lost another baby at 8 weeks 6 1/2 years later. Same situation where they were unclear as to why, l but I was still able to have a normal pregnancy 6 months later and gave birth to my son Conner.
My last miscarriage happened in March 2018. This was the earliest loss at 6 weeks but again a normal pregnancy followed with our daughter Emery.
Through all of this tragedy I was able to get through by leaning on the hope of Gods plan for my life and my children’s lives. I had to trust in Him more than ever. Although I will never understand why these 4 babies were not brought into this world, I am so very thankful and blessed with three kiddos I do have with me to hug and kiss everyday. One day I will be reunited with the 4 I never got to meet and for this I am grateful!
I had my first miscarriage when I was 28 years old and I was 12 weeks pregnant. I went in to hear the baby’s heart beat and there was none but the tech told me that you wouldn’t hear the heartbeat with that machine. The tech handed me an envelope with a letter in it to take to my OBGYN who was a couple floors down. As my husband and I walked to the elevator, I knew something wasn’t right. I opened the envelope and saw in the letter no FHT. I am an RN so I knew what that meant and that there was no fetal heart tone- no heart beat. I was devastated as this was our first pregnancy.
Three months later we found out we were pregnant with Emmy who is now 15 years old. I had preeclampsia with her and she was was delivered 3 weeks early due to my condition. She was healthy weighing 4 lbs and 4oz!
Two years later I had another miscarriage when I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. Then 3 months later we found out we were pregnant with my little boy Asher. He was in the NICU and very sick with transient tachypnea (rapid heart rate) he worked so hard to breath that he collapsed his own lung. We were told he would be in the NICU for awhile and if he got any worse he would be put on the ventilator. We fervently prayed and the next day, Asher completely shocked his doctors and for the first time I was able to feed him and we could hold him. He came home 2 days later!
After Asher I had 4 more miscarriages over the years with the last one being a boy - we named him Christian. Genetic tests were ran on all 6 of my miscarriages and no abnormality was found. I told a good friend that I wish I knew what the sex of my babies were. She told me why don’t you ask God and I had never thought of that before. So I asked God if he would tell me and he said yes then he told me I needed to be still in order to hear. So I got still and I heard very faintly two girls and four boys. I wasn’t sure I heard correctly so I asked God if he would tell my husband what sex the babies were. When I got home I asked Eric and he said he already knew because that day that my friend said to ask he did. I said why didn’t you tell me? He said because he wasn’t sure he heard God correctly. I asked what did you hear? He replied four boys and two girls. I was so amazed that God told me the girls first and Eric the boys first and that God would be so good as to care about our hearts!
After Christian, Eric and I decided we didn’t want to have anymore babies and go through losing anymore.God had me go to a fertility specialist and I wasn’t sure why since we were not going to have anymore babies. I wondered if the fertility Dr. knew why we had so many miscarriages. Apparently, I had already had all the lab work done and the doctor looked at the labs and told me I had a blood clotting disorder known as anti-phospholipid anti-body. If I was to ever get pregnant again I needed to let him know as soon as possible to start blood thinner injections to save the baby.
Even though it was not our plan to get pregnant again, years later on our 15 year anniversary, God had other plans and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I called the fertility doctor and we started blood thinner injections. We decided not to find out if we were having a boy or a girl and we were trying to not worry the whole time. When I was 12 weeks along God told me to name my baby Matthew so I thought “oh it’s a boy!” When I looked up what Matthew meant it meant “gift from God”. And our last rainbow baby,Matthew, has definitely been a blessing as all my children have been!
The doctors do not know how Emmy and Asher survived. They are 10 years between my oldest and my youngest. Being a mama has definitely been one of the best experiences of my life and although our path was hard and heartbreaking I have nine children and I will see the other six when we are in heaven. My husband and I have this ongoing joke that whoever gets to heaven first gets to name the others. Thank you for letting me share my story! God is a huge part of it and he has helped us deal with the grief and the loss and given us a hope for our future in Him!
This is our story of our handsome baby boy Kayde Lucas Gordon, and our Rainbow baby Karrigan Blayke Gordon. I apologize in advance it is very long but also very brief we cannot put everything into words. I hope you enjoy our story, as I know that it is so beautiful to us. Kayde has touched so many people's lives and I am so thankful for that. He has done more for people than I will ever be able to in my lifetime.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was so excited I couldn't stand it and couldn't wait to tell Lucas. He had told me before not to take a test without him that he wanted to find out at the same time. Well me being stubborn and impatient couldn't wait of course, and I just wanted to tell him to see his reaction. We were on our way to eat on Valentine's Day at our favorite place (Olive Garden) and I was driving which normally he drives. I sent him a picture while I was at a red light, it was a picture of the test and a shirt that said "Be nice to me, my wife is pregnant". He looked at me and said "whose is this" and I just grinned and said you need that shirt. He immediately started crying and was so excited he couldn't stand it. We were so excited and couldn't wait to tell our family. We decided since I hadn't been to the doctor yet and Kinleys birthday was right around the corner we would tell everyone at the same time.
I had a dream of granny in heaven telling me that everything was going to be ok. Little did I know that she already knew about Kayde and his condition. She was telling me I was going to be ok, I could do it, I could be strong. I was so happy that I could brag about my baby, show off my future baby bump.
Lucas, my sister, Kinley and I went to our 16 week appointment to find out the gender, on April 22nd 2015. We found out that amniotic fluids were a little low, but we were having a BOY. Ecstatic we got the best of both worlds. I was to be on bed rest when I was home and not to walk much. The following week we went to high risk and they said nothing about his fluid, only focused on his heart. He ENCOURAGED me to have an abortion, I said absolutely not. I was disgusted at why this doctor just encouraged me to end my sons life. All because they said he wouldn't live after birth because of the heart issues. My son still deserves a chance at life. My sister had a dream of my Granny rocking a baby, patting his butt telling her that everything was going to be ok. After that appointment it helped me so much knowing my Granny was embracing him in Heaven. The following day I met with a cardiologist he told us all the severity of his heart problems, he warned us he would just get worse. He unfortunately told us his outcome would not be good. I had countless ultrasounds and doctors appointments weekly. They told me he wouldn't live past 20 weeks. It wasn't until I was 23 weeks we found out he had no kidneys, they gave us no hope. We were devastated. We held onto our faith and trusted in God. My baby boy defied all odds, and all doctors told us his story didn't make sense. My miracle had fetal hydrops in 2 spots of his body, severe heart problems (right side would not pump blood correctly), he was in fetal distress, no kidneys, and his lungs were not developed because of the lack of amniotic fluid. By 28 weeks my Kayde no longer had fetal hydrops which normally gets worse, the right side of his heart was working, his heart was improving, he was not in distress. They all said it doesn't make any sense, it's like something is missing. What is missing is God in their explanation. God showed us he was working on him and he gave us strength.
At 12 am on September 16th my contractions started. I thought they were just stomach cramps because I was getting sick. They were very strong, I tried my best to sleep. I figured they would just go away. At 5am Lucas' alarm went off for work and I told him that I thought we may have to go to the hospital. He got up and ran me a warm bath to see if contractions would go away. While I was in the bath he packed our bags. They got closer together so he knew it was time to go. They were maybe 4 minutes apart when we left the house at 6am. By the time we got to get on the interstate they were 1 minute and 30 seconds apart. Lucas drove as fast as he could to Lexington, kept me calm, and called the hospitals to let them know we were on our way. I told him we may have to stop in Richmond, but we chose to try and make it to Lexington. Our plan was to deliver at Central Baptist, I knew we wouldn't make it all the way there. I told him to go to Saint Joseph Women's hospital, he called getting off of exit 104 and told them our situation and that we were almost there. We pulled into the hospital at 6:37 am. A medic was waiting on us to get there and he got me in the wheelchair and into my room.
He was patting my head saying we are almost there just hang on. I got into the bed and I was fully dilated. The nurse said oh wow you are ready to have this baby get the doctor. They asked me some questions and I told them he is almost here get the doctor. The doctor came in and I told him he was almost here. Lucas laid his head on me and was praying. With only 1 push my baby boy was born at 6:45 am, crying, yes CRYING. Tears of joy strolling down my face, because they told me he may not make it through delivery. I thought we may not get to spend any time with him. He was here and was perfect. The nicu team quickly accessed him and got him to us. They knew our time with him was going to be very short. He weighed 5 pounds and 10 ounces, and was 17 inches long. He was tiny, but oh so chunky. He had rolls everywhere! He was breathing, and making the cutest little noises in the world. Our miracle lived for 1 hour and 15 minutes.
Lucas and I thought we had prepared ourselves for what was going to happen, we didn't at all. But nothing in this world could have prepared us. It is the world's worst heartache I have ever felt. Leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things, leaving my baby boy. I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to cuddle him and look at his beautiful long hair and rub his chubby cheeks. The heartache knowing the pregnancy was over, I would no longer feel his kicks that constantly made me smile knowing I had created something so beautiful. My husband could no longer feel Kayde kick him and be in amazement at how strong he was. Kinley could no longer listen to baby brothers heartbeat in mommy's tummy. The heartache is so unreal, no one should have to go through this. God chose Lucas and I to be Kaydes parents, and Kinley to be his big sister. God will not give you more than you can handle. We stayed strong and had faith to get through it together as a family. We may not ever understand why this had to happen but we will not question. I look forward to the day that I get to see my precious baby boy again in Heaven, but for right now I know my sweet Granny Ruth is so proud of him. She is showing him off to everyone patting his butt, rocking him, singing and reading him stories. My papa is ready to take him fishing because we all know Papa Coleman loved to fish! I am so thankful and blessed to know that whenever my time comes I will get to see my baby boy again, in Heaven. For that I thank God for everything he has done for us from the very beginning and will continue to do for us. After 6 months of grieving we found out we were expecting. I was terrified of what was to come, if the baby was healthy or had the same diagnosis as Kayde. We didn’t announce the pregnancy until I was 16 weeks, and after I knew the health of our baby girl. The longer the pregnancy went I realized how bittersweet it really was. I was actually able to plan a baby shower, decorate a nursery, pick out clothes, and enjoy being pregnant. With Kayde we were praying to God that our baby boy would live, countless doctors appointments, meetings with neonatologist, we were talking to the cemetery, picking out a casket, and burial spot. I had so many mixed emotions it was unreal, I was so excited and blessed that I was going to be walking out of the hospital with our sweet Karrigan. Not having to hand my baby boy to the funeral home, walking out of the hospital empty handed, and making arrangements for his visitation/funeral. I was still in shock that I was expecting a perfectly healthy baby girl. After anxiety took over, my beautiful rainbow was born on October 31st, 2016 at 37 weeks weighing 6 lbs 15 ozs, and 19 inches long at 2:08 pm. She was absolutely perfect in every way, she had her brothers precious little hands. I remember crying and saying to Lucas “I have waited so long to hear that perfect cry, and she’s finally here, she’s ours.” I will never forget that moment we got to leave the hospital with her, it was so bittersweet and surreal that we were taking her home.
Our life is in Gods hands and he is in control, we are so thankful God held us through the storm. We could have questioned his will and kept our eyes on the storm, but instead we kept our eyes on the cross and trusted in him. He carried us through the storm and we are now blessed to have our beautiful and spunky rainbow baby. We thought our world was falling apart, but it really was falling into place. I was extremely emotional realizing everything we missed out on with Kayde, but God blessed us with the best rainbow baby, and our girls forever have the most beautiful guardian angel! Often we may try to question God's will, or try to put the blame on someone else, but he always has a plan for you. Keep your eyes set on him, and he will carry you through your storm. I am so blessed and thankful that God chose me to be Kinley, Kayde, and Karrigan's mom. I would do it all over again just to see his beautiful face, and get those memories with him.